It’s coming on Mother’s Day, and the fact that I am now a mother still surprises me. I was putting Noah in his bassinette tonight and it hit me like a brick, “I am this beautiful child’s mom.” As soon as I thought this, feelings of protectiveness and worry flooded over me. Before I knew it my thoughts were drowning in visuals of all the horrible things that could happen to my son. A mother loves her child, it is only natural. I love Noah and that fact alone prohibits me from wanting anything terrible to happen to him, but there is something else that a mother feels that drives her to protect, to nurture, and to teach her child. A mother and a father carry the sole responsibility of a child. They brought it into the world, and they are the ones to take on the job of showing it how to survive and thrive in a challenging world. When I looked at Noah tonight I realized, not for the first time, that this fragile being is my responsibility. What a load, huh?
I have yet to write about Noah since he has been born, and the truth is, who has time? These first few months have been the craziest of my life. Noah is finally sleeping longer than two hours at a time, and he is putting himself in a little routine. Days with him are starting to get a little easier. But the first two months with him were filled with crying, fussing, bouncing, twirling, melt downs, crying, doctor visits, crying, fussing…you get the picture. To say the least, it was horrible. I remember thinking at one point, “Can I take this thing back?” I’m sure I sound like the worst parent ever. I couldn’t figure out why in the world I had such an unhappy baby. I have worked in daycares off and on for the past eight years of my life, and yet I couldn’t calm my own child. What the heck!
I read in one of my baby books that baby’s do not automatically trust their mums and dads. What? I carried that child for nine months and he still doesn’t trust me? NO. Truth is, this whole life outside of the womb is completely new to him. It took two months of reading my son’s cues for him to realize that I am going to meet his needs. But guess what, now that he knows I am going to be there for him, now that I have proven myself to him, he prefers me to anyone else. When he realizes that I am looking at him he smiles. While I am feeding him he is looking up at me grinning from ear to ear. During diaper changing time he laughs at my silly antics and even toots from getting so excited. He loves being on my hip during mundane chores, and he loves holding my finger during car rides.
I want the best for this child. I pray that the Lord gives Gabe and I wisdom in how to raise him to be the man he is supposed to be. I have a huge responsibility and I have to trust that God has given me the means to go through with it. I now realize that my mother had no practice at being a mom before she had my sisters and I. She wasn’t given a trial and error session on how to raise Jordan
