My first Mother's Day

It’s coming on Mother’s Day, and the fact that I am now a mother still surprises me. I was putting Noah in his bassinette tonight and it hit me like a brick, “I am this beautiful child’s mom.” As soon as I thought this, feelings of protectiveness and worry flooded over me. Before I knew it my thoughts were drowning in visuals of all the horrible things that could happen to my son. A mother loves her child, it is only natural. I love Noah and that fact alone prohibits me from wanting anything terrible to happen to him, but there is something else that a mother feels that drives her to protect, to nurture, and to teach her child. A mother and a father carry the sole responsibility of a child. They brought it into the world, and they are the ones to take on the job of showing it how to survive and thrive in a challenging world. When I looked at Noah tonight I realized, not for the first time, that this fragile being is my responsibility. What a load, huh?

I have yet to write about Noah since he has been born, and the truth is, who has time? These first few months have been the craziest of my life. Noah is finally sleeping longer than two hours at a time, and he is putting himself in a little routine. Days with him are starting to get a little easier. But the first two months with him were filled with crying, fussing, bouncing, twirling, melt downs, crying, doctor visits, crying, fussing…you get the picture. To say the least, it was horrible. I remember thinking at one point, “Can I take this thing back?” I’m sure I sound like the worst parent ever. I couldn’t figure out why in the world I had such an unhappy baby. I have worked in daycares off and on for the past eight years of my life, and yet I couldn’t calm my own child. What the heck!

I read in one of my baby books that baby’s do not automatically trust their mums and dads. What? I carried that child for nine months and he still doesn’t trust me? NO. Truth is, this whole life outside of the womb is completely new to him. It took two months of reading my son’s cues for him to realize that I am going to meet his needs. But guess what, now that he knows I am going to be there for him, now that I have proven myself to him, he prefers me to anyone else. When he realizes that I am looking at him he smiles. While I am feeding him he is looking up at me grinning from ear to ear. During diaper changing time he laughs at my silly antics and even toots from getting so excited. He loves being on my hip during mundane chores, and he loves holding my finger during car rides.

I want the best for this child. I pray that the Lord gives Gabe and I wisdom in how to raise him to be the man he is supposed to be. I have a huge responsibility and I have to trust that God has given me the means to go through with it. I now realize that my mother had no practice at being a mom before she had my sisters and I. She wasn’t given a trial and error session on how to raise Jordan. She just got me and had to figure it out on the way. So my lesson that I have learned these first few months of my first child’s life is that it is extremely important for Gabe and I to get to know our son, and for him to get to know us. It sounds so simple, but it is a complex job. My little son is a complicated guy, and I can’t wait to spend the rest of his life learning about him. He is such a wonderful responsibility. Happy early Mother’s Day to all!

Waiting for the arrival...

It is difficult to say exactly what is going through my head...
There are so many things I'm concerned about, preparing for, meditating over...

These are the last few weeks, days, or hours until my son arrives. No longer will I be just a wife, but a mother as well. A few nights ago I was laying in bed. Gabe was sound asleep, but I was wide awake. My stomach was aching, and I was having inconsistent contractions. I started rubbing my belly and tried to imagine what my world was going to be like with Noah. I attempted to put a face to his name, and I imagined him next to me swaddled in a receiving blanket. In my imagination I was gently caressing his face while he slept peacefully beside me, just like his daddy.

I suddenly felt emotions that I've never experienced. The idea of Noah outside of my womb was frightening. The concept of not knowing where he would be at all times hurt. I realized that once he arrives in this crazy world, that a piece of my heart would be with him, where ever he was; not only a piece of my heart,  but a piece of myself. I'm giving life to another human being and I feel as though I am giving up parts of who I am.

Upon reveling in this realization, another thought came to mind. My poor mother has been experiencing this my entire life, and not just towards me but for my sisters as well. She has three women walking around this world who carry her heart. She sent me a text message yesterday that said, "Jordan, I'm getting so nervous. You could go into labor any day now,"(or something to that extent). I completely understood what she meant. Her youngest daughter, her baby, is getting ready to experience the worst pain imaginable, and of course she is nervous. I felt horrible for every moment I have forced my mother to worry about me.

But there is beauty in this hurting love I feel for my child. It puts me in yet another circumstance where I have to depend on my creator. I have to release this urge I have to control my child's life, and if I don't I will be miserable. The truth is, God created Noah. God is giving him life, not me. God has a plan for this tiny person, and I am not the one to dictate what that will entail. It gives me peace to know that the one who has ultimate control is taking care of Noah.

Any day now I can go into labor. This time next month I will certainly have a baby. A piece of my heart will be leaving my body and entering a world of terror, horror, evil, but I know that Noah will be taken care of. I know that he will see beauty in this chaotic life, and I know that my savior will reveal himself to my son. I can't wait to continue watching Noah live. What a lovely part of life this is.