It is difficult to say exactly what is going through my head...
There are so many things I'm concerned about, preparing for, meditating over...
These are the last few weeks, days, or hours until my son arrives. No longer will I be just a wife, but a mother as well. A few nights ago I was laying in bed. Gabe was sound asleep, but I was wide awake. My stomach was aching, and I was having inconsistent contractions. I started rubbing my belly and tried to imagine what my world was going to be like with Noah. I attempted to put a face to his name, and I imagined him next to me swaddled in a receiving blanket. In my imagination I was gently caressing his face while he slept peacefully beside me, just like his daddy.
I suddenly felt emotions that I've never experienced. The idea of Noah outside of my womb was frightening. The concept of not knowing where he would be at all times hurt. I realized that once he arrives in this crazy world, that a piece of my heart would be with him, where ever he was; not only a piece of my heart, but a piece of myself. I'm giving life to another human being and I feel as though I am giving up parts of who I am.
Upon reveling in this realization, another thought came to mind. My poor mother has been experiencing this my entire life, and not just towards me but for my sisters as well. She has three women walking around this world who carry her heart. She sent me a text message yesterday that said, "Jordan, I'm getting so nervous. You could go into labor any day now,"(or something to that extent). I completely understood what she meant. Her youngest daughter, her baby, is getting ready to experience the worst pain imaginable, and of course she is nervous. I felt horrible for every moment I have forced my mother to worry about me.
But there is beauty in this hurting love I feel for my child. It puts me in yet another circumstance where I have to depend on my creator. I have to release this urge I have to control my child's life, and if I don't I will be miserable. The truth is, God created Noah. God is giving him life, not me. God has a plan for this tiny person, and I am not the one to dictate what that will entail. It gives me peace to know that the one who has ultimate control is taking care of Noah.
Any day now I can go into labor. This time next month I will certainly have a baby. A piece of my heart will be leaving my body and entering a world of terror, horror, evil, but I know that Noah will be taken care of. I know that he will see beauty in this chaotic life, and I know that my savior will reveal himself to my son. I can't wait to continue watching Noah live. What a lovely part of life this is.
