My first Mother's Day

It’s coming on Mother’s Day, and the fact that I am now a mother still surprises me. I was putting Noah in his bassinette tonight and it hit me like a brick, “I am this beautiful child’s mom.” As soon as I thought this, feelings of protectiveness and worry flooded over me. Before I knew it my thoughts were drowning in visuals of all the horrible things that could happen to my son. A mother loves her child, it is only natural. I love Noah and that fact alone prohibits me from wanting anything terrible to happen to him, but there is something else that a mother feels that drives her to protect, to nurture, and to teach her child. A mother and a father carry the sole responsibility of a child. They brought it into the world, and they are the ones to take on the job of showing it how to survive and thrive in a challenging world. When I looked at Noah tonight I realized, not for the first time, that this fragile being is my responsibility. What a load, huh?

I have yet to write about Noah since he has been born, and the truth is, who has time? These first few months have been the craziest of my life. Noah is finally sleeping longer than two hours at a time, and he is putting himself in a little routine. Days with him are starting to get a little easier. But the first two months with him were filled with crying, fussing, bouncing, twirling, melt downs, crying, doctor visits, crying, fussing…you get the picture. To say the least, it was horrible. I remember thinking at one point, “Can I take this thing back?” I’m sure I sound like the worst parent ever. I couldn’t figure out why in the world I had such an unhappy baby. I have worked in daycares off and on for the past eight years of my life, and yet I couldn’t calm my own child. What the heck!

I read in one of my baby books that baby’s do not automatically trust their mums and dads. What? I carried that child for nine months and he still doesn’t trust me? NO. Truth is, this whole life outside of the womb is completely new to him. It took two months of reading my son’s cues for him to realize that I am going to meet his needs. But guess what, now that he knows I am going to be there for him, now that I have proven myself to him, he prefers me to anyone else. When he realizes that I am looking at him he smiles. While I am feeding him he is looking up at me grinning from ear to ear. During diaper changing time he laughs at my silly antics and even toots from getting so excited. He loves being on my hip during mundane chores, and he loves holding my finger during car rides.

I want the best for this child. I pray that the Lord gives Gabe and I wisdom in how to raise him to be the man he is supposed to be. I have a huge responsibility and I have to trust that God has given me the means to go through with it. I now realize that my mother had no practice at being a mom before she had my sisters and I. She wasn’t given a trial and error session on how to raise Jordan. She just got me and had to figure it out on the way. So my lesson that I have learned these first few months of my first child’s life is that it is extremely important for Gabe and I to get to know our son, and for him to get to know us. It sounds so simple, but it is a complex job. My little son is a complicated guy, and I can’t wait to spend the rest of his life learning about him. He is such a wonderful responsibility. Happy early Mother’s Day to all!

Waiting for the arrival...

It is difficult to say exactly what is going through my head...
There are so many things I'm concerned about, preparing for, meditating over...

These are the last few weeks, days, or hours until my son arrives. No longer will I be just a wife, but a mother as well. A few nights ago I was laying in bed. Gabe was sound asleep, but I was wide awake. My stomach was aching, and I was having inconsistent contractions. I started rubbing my belly and tried to imagine what my world was going to be like with Noah. I attempted to put a face to his name, and I imagined him next to me swaddled in a receiving blanket. In my imagination I was gently caressing his face while he slept peacefully beside me, just like his daddy.

I suddenly felt emotions that I've never experienced. The idea of Noah outside of my womb was frightening. The concept of not knowing where he would be at all times hurt. I realized that once he arrives in this crazy world, that a piece of my heart would be with him, where ever he was; not only a piece of my heart,  but a piece of myself. I'm giving life to another human being and I feel as though I am giving up parts of who I am.

Upon reveling in this realization, another thought came to mind. My poor mother has been experiencing this my entire life, and not just towards me but for my sisters as well. She has three women walking around this world who carry her heart. She sent me a text message yesterday that said, "Jordan, I'm getting so nervous. You could go into labor any day now,"(or something to that extent). I completely understood what she meant. Her youngest daughter, her baby, is getting ready to experience the worst pain imaginable, and of course she is nervous. I felt horrible for every moment I have forced my mother to worry about me.

But there is beauty in this hurting love I feel for my child. It puts me in yet another circumstance where I have to depend on my creator. I have to release this urge I have to control my child's life, and if I don't I will be miserable. The truth is, God created Noah. God is giving him life, not me. God has a plan for this tiny person, and I am not the one to dictate what that will entail. It gives me peace to know that the one who has ultimate control is taking care of Noah.

Any day now I can go into labor. This time next month I will certainly have a baby. A piece of my heart will be leaving my body and entering a world of terror, horror, evil, but I know that Noah will be taken care of. I know that he will see beauty in this chaotic life, and I know that my savior will reveal himself to my son. I can't wait to continue watching Noah live. What a lovely part of life this is.

The Baby Shower. Dec. 5th

Thank you to everyone who helped in making Noah's Baby Shower a spectacular and memorable event. We came home with many presents, and some tasty food. Christine and Ashley did such a great job at bringing it all together.

Gabe was invited! He was the jokester, and brought everyone to laughs while he figured out what each present was for. :) 

Noah has way too many clothes now. He is going to be one stylish dude.

Christine and Ashley have been my lifesavers throughout this whole pregnancy. They were both pregnant this time last year and have been there for me every step of the way. I continually have questions for them, and they answer with patience and a sense of humor; both of which make your pregnancy more enjoyable. Christine and Ashley planned a wonderful baby shower. We are very thankful for the two of you :) Noah is so blessed already!

The Name Game...

           This little man was supposed to be Vinson Gabriel. However, after seeing the little guy in the sonogram, the name just didn't fit. Our little boy seemed so relaxed. He had his arms behind his head and his legs were kicking to and fro. He seemed so content. 

        

        We had told our entire family, before knowing the gender, that his name would be Vinson. We received mixed reactions. Some liked it, some hated it. But we told them we were set on it. The day we found out the gender we tried calling the baby Vinson. It felt very wrong. 

        

        Gabe and I didn't say anything at first. We were in bed, reading, and Gabe stated, "I have a confession. I don't like the name Vinson." I was so relieved, I didn't like it either, but was afraid to say so. The two of us started throwing out names, mostly biblical. Gabe finally said, "What about Noah?" I thought about it, tried it out, and loved it. After looking up the name, I discovered its meaning: comfort, peaceful, reposed. It was perfect. We prayed about the name, and have had such a peace about it since. 

        
        Our little man is now Noah Gabriel Boughner!

Boy or Girl?

        The anticipation was torture as Gabe and I waited for our parents to arrive at Womancare. On September 20th at 11:10 we were scheduled for another sonogram to find out the gender.  My parents and Gabe's parents both came to witness and share in the big event. 

        

        I had heard that the baby could be in the position so you can't see anything. We prayed and prayed for the baby to be in the perfect position!

        

        Gabe and I were alone in the sonogram room, with the exception of the nurse. Our parents sat in the waiting room while we were the first to witness the baby's "parts." As soon as the nurse put the monitor on the stomach our little baby had its legs spread wide apart. The baby is a BOY! He was ready to show the world too. At this sonogram appointment we were also able to see his heart, brain, and spinal cord. Everything was perfect. 

        

        Once we knew the gender, the moms entered. The nurse showed the mothers every part of the baby except the "deciding" body part. Finally, she showed them. They both burst into tears, especially my mom. They had both guessed he would be a boy. The dads came in next and the nurse showed them right away. Gabe's step-dad Doug said he knew it would be a boy, but my dad, naturally, thought it would be a girl. They were both thrilled and proud. 

I secretly wanted a little boy. I would have been just as happy with a little girl, but I wanted a little Gabe Boughner. :) 

WE ARE HAVING A BOY!  21 weeks:

*The Karate Kid*

On July 12, 2010 I felt the first "flutter."

      I had been leaning over the keyboard, a tad abnormally. My stomach was in the perfect awkward position, and I felt something very strange. It was as if a butterfly was flapping its wings in my uterus. I was stunned. I told the girls in the office what I had felt, and they confirmed my suspicions. It was a "kick." 

      It took a long time for me to feel that sensation again. However, the past month the "butterfly," has transformed into a "karate kick." This little guy really likes to move. It is amazing to lay on my back, while my shirt is lifted, and see the baby move across my stomach. It is almost sci-fi'ish. 

      I have gotten used to the constant movement, and I now recognize little man's ruitine. However, this past Friday, the movement was not as constant. I let myself worry, and voiced my concern to Gabe. Gabe gently bent down to my relaxed and elevated tummy, and began singing, "Hotel California." After that, he started talking to the baby about this and that. The baby was kicking the whole time as if it completely enjoyed listening to his daddy. It was a beautiful moment. I love Gabe so much, and I am so proud that half of him is growing inside me. Noah is one lucky dude to have Gabe as his daddy.

      Unfortunately, the kicking interrupted worship during church on Sunday. I was on stage singing back-up to Revelation Song, and Noah started kicking. He was kicking so hard that it took my breath away, and I had to take the mic away from my mouth. I think he really liked the song. :)

      The kicking has been my favorite aspect of pregnancy thus far! It is proof that our little guy is still okay. 
    

I just had to!

I saw this little outfit at TJ Max. It isn't the cutest outfit in the world, but it was the only gender neutral outfit I could find. The temptation to buy something for the baby was extremely strong, and I caved. This is the baby's first outfit.